Making lemonade, finding the silver lining in a broken heart

I just drew this trying to do some art therapy for myself...

Moving away from learning to be cheap my recent decisions will not be cheap at all... except hopefully in the long run. Last weekend KE and I broke up. I spent a lot of time thinking and talking to my mom and I was telling her how I was not happy at school. I have been less and less passionate about my career path. After my summer at Yestermorrow I went straight into school without time to process how the experience changed me. In part because I don't feel solid in my program and in part because I wanted to be closer to KE I said I wanted to move back to the city. KE decided that he needs to focus on his career fully which means no time for me. I am devastated, dropping weight like crazy for lack of appetite and still planning to move back to the city.

I emailed everyone I know, I have a couple friends I can stay with while I look for a sublet apartment and a new job. I believe that KE and I will be friends but I need to really take a break in order to be ready for that. I still want him to be a part of my life, he was my rock for the last 6 months when I went through a lot of change. Now I need to be my own rock and face change again. Luckily I have many great friends and very supportive family. I have already had offers of places to crash all over the country. I am taking this opportunity to really reevaluate my own career goals. I lost sight of my goals because I had KE and he became my goal. I had my eggs in many baskets and then suddenly I had one basket and it was him and he wasn't ready for it. This has been easier than the last break up, I have grown a lot and I am both dreading and looking forward to even more personal growth to come in the months ahead.

For this move I will be traveling light. I will put all my things in storage near my mom's house, and coordinate my move with her move (again!) so that we only rent one truck. This way we can also help each other move. I will keep my car at her house in DE and come up to NY with what I can carry in a backpack and a duffel bag. I have already contacted friends and gotten a couple offers of places to stay while I look for a sublet, which is near impossible when outside the city. I am going to push this time of change for myself and try to move to an area that is outside my comfort zone. I lived in the Pratt area for 8 years and it is what I know. I am going to try living in Manhattan. Even if that means more money and less space. I am also going to do what I was doing in my last between relationship time: self improvement. I want to say yes to going out. I want to be more involved. If I am living in a small apartment I will go out. If I start out with just a few months sublet I can see how this new approach works for me.

I will also be job hunting. Part of why I am leaving this prestigious school is the cost of the school and the benefits I will gain that require the degree I'm working towards just don't add up. After my summer on a construction site, where I was working with my hands, and I loved it. I have learned through my limited work experience I need an office that keeps me busy, especially with a variety of tasks or else I tend to get bored. I like working with my hands, I always have. In my free time I sew and bake and do crafty things- like a card cut out of paint chips with an exacto knife. Precision and detailed work. In architecture school I was well known for my detailed models and love of tweezers for assembling them. I need to do something using my hands. If I can't do it for my main career at least I can find a job where I am on a construction site, and over see schedules, planning and coordination. These are things I do in my spare time for myself. Right now, however, my plan extends until Feb. Move to NY, find a job. In December I will be reading a couple books to help me think about the kinds of jobs I want to apply for and to work on my cover letter writing skills. This trip to Oregon couldn't come at a better time. Xmas with family at the beach house will be comforting. Although the wedding weekend that I'm about to head into might be a little rough. Friday bachelorette party, Saturday bridal shower, Sunday wedding. But if I remind myself that I'm not ready, but like the last breakup, I want to do new things, get a hair cut, dress up, make myself feel attractive. Perhaps a ladies night out is just what I need.

This has been an exhausting week, and it hasn't even been a full week yet. I had to come home and de-KE my apartment, I have gifts for him for Xmas that are now sitting in a box making me sad. I understand his reasons for not being able to focus on a relationship but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope that he figures out what he wants just as I hope that I figure out what I want.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But don't just make regular lemonade. Think about how you can make better lemonade. What can you do to improve your lemonade? I am working on improving myself so that my next relationship will be even better because I will be stronger and remember keep my eggs in more than one basket.

Sigh. I'm looking forward to going back to the city in part to go to museums, maybe practice some more drawing, that was one of my favorite things in Rome was all the drawings we did. I need to get out more and being in school does not lead to me getting out more, it leads to me retreating into my hermit shell, having KE made that feel like it was ok but it really wasn't.

Time for yet another cup of tea.

depressed

Yeah, so... when I'm depressed I don't eat. 3 days and I've hardly eaten anything (fully dressed I weight less than I did after Thanksgiving. Now is not a good time for food in my life.

A big change behind me over the weekend (hence the depression). Big changes ahead... tbd planning in process, lots of thinking to do and some reading of some hopefully helpful books.

The Brown Rice Chronicles

I made brown rice yesterday:
1/2 c long grain brown rice
1c + 1/4 c water

boiled covered until the water was gone

RESULT: crunchy rice NO GOOD


I made brown rice today:
1/2 c long grain brown rice
2 cups water

boiled uncovered until the water was mostly gone

RESULT: It's goo. I have successfully made goo (KE must be so proud)

Tomorrow I will try again. Hopefully I'll get the hang of this brown rice thing, I still have a large bag of it!

I made this rice to go with curry, my new favorite cheap meal! So good and it tastes just like it does from the Thai places in Brooklyn!


Pineapple & Broccoli Red Coconut Curry
1 brick of tofu- pressed 1 hour and then fry (use a nonstick... I learned the hard way that stainless steel just doesn't work)
approx 1 Tbsp oil
1/2 onion chopped small,
3 spoonfuls Thai Red Curry Paste
1 cap coconut milk
3/4 c broccoli (if it's frozen, heat it up in water for a bit and drain before adding to curry)
1/2 c pineapple tidbits
Splash of fish sauce
Prepared Brown Rice

1. Prep Tofu and set aside.
2. Cook onion and olive oil covered to soften a bit (learned form watching Julia Child made French Onion Soup- on my list to attempt this winter!)
3. Add curry paste, stir around, add broccoli, stir some more. Add coconut milk and pineapple bits and sprinkle of fish sauce and simmer.
4. Add tofu and simmer a bit more til reheated.
5. Serve over brown rice (hopefully you know how to make it... or you buy the instant stuff... which has a better success rate!)

Pantry

I'm finally using the last of the pasta I bought at Costco, hooray! To get more variety in my diet I am going to try eating different grains now- focusing on rice and Asian style dishes. I got a brick of tofu with which to experiment. I didn't know you were supposed to press it until KE showed me when he prepared tofu for dinner one night. I don't recall eating a lot of tofu growing up, so I'm not very familiar with how to prepare it. (Specifically how to get it to be like the tofu I've had at restaurants.) Tofu is one of those mystery ingredients I want to learn about. With winter break approaching I am getting excited for the culinary experiments - especially while staying with KE. Somehow it's easier to cook for 2 than for one... especially when you don't like left overs (like me).

I also purchased some Thai curry paste and a can of coconut milk. I'd like to try to make a curry dish with rice, veggies and tofu. I read in my big-ass sauce book about making a Thai curry and it's pretty simple, so long as you have the ingredients. In looking at what to make for my pre-thanksgiving I was evaluating my pans and I think I need a new 2-QT saucepan. I use it frequently and the non-stick coating is scratched pretty badly. I'd like to get a nice stainless steel one. I got rid of all my other nonstick pans and while cleaning them is a little more work, I like not worrying about flakes of teflon in my body :)

Tomorrow is Pre-Thanksgiving, I'll be sure to report our menu and how it went! (There's only 3 of us and my mom and step dad aren't picky, so I'm going vegetarian, and it will not be a feast, to prevent us all from overeating, a family tradition.)

Thanksgiving

My mom and step dad are coming up for an early Thanksgiving, because I wanted to spend T-day with KE (aren't they understanding parents :) )

I'm trying to keep up with my decision to be vegetarian outside of the house, my first test was Turkey at today's Landscape Architecture department Thanksgiving Feast. As the first test... it was pretty easy to pass up. And I wasn't saying to anyone's face so no feelings were hurt (that's one of the food issues that causes weight gain especially in the holidays as I recall from a certain 4th of July). There was stuffing that tasted like it was flavored with ramen packets, there were two types of yams (one of which was a little chunky and very tasty!) there were mashed potatoes that were "meh" and there was broccoli that I had to restrain myself from taking too much. I think it had garlic on it but whatever it was... it was tasty!

I'm still excited to read my new book on how to become vegetarian. I want to make sure I still eat well or rather... that I DO eat well.

I was looking through my spending and I spend more money on food than anything else (after rent). I have been more careful with how I spend money, because I really don't want to waste food. I bought a large tub of strawberry Stonybrook yogurt. And it is disgusting. I've purchased the little cups and they taste fine but this one tastes like it was flavored with melted down plastic strawberries. It's horrible! So instead of saving money by buying the big container, I wasted money because I cannot eat this yogurt. It is so frustrating. I also purchased a loaf of sourdough but then didn't eat it that night, or the next night then the next night it was stale. Ew. I stuck it in the freezer hopefully I'll be able to do something with it, what I don't know.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, but not as much as I am looking forward to Xmas, when I won't have final projects due the following week! I am looking forward to family time at both holidays, I love family time, especially over food. As long as I remember portion control it will be a great weekend.


As far as exercise, I did finally get dumbbells to exercise with, I haven't had a chance to exercise yet. I have Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I did it one day (without weights) and I was still sore. I really want to do it 30 days in a row. Hopefully to start soon, like after he semester is over. I don't think I will be reaching my goal by new years. I finally stopped buying the mint M&Ms which will help I think. Sigh. 'tis the season to gain weight.


Mid October... sigh. Seriously need to get back on track. I was on the right track in mid October.. weddings. That's when I had two weddings to go to, with tasty food... and open bars :) I think trips to the city hurt my weight. Visiting friends, going out to eat. When I am at home, I don't go out to eat. I'm trying to eat more veggies. I stopped myself from buying pasta so I can start eating more rice. I'm trying to use what I have at home but I've also realized that I need to try to experiment with my cooking a little more. I love the staples I know how to make but if I am expected to feed additional people later in life, I'm going to need some variety. Not everyone is happy with a loaf of bread and cheese or steamed broccoli and pasta and cheese for dinner. Oh, and I think I eat too much cheese. I need to work on that.

So... how to eat well, enjoy variety, and have some experimental meals. I picked up some coconut milk and Thai curry paste... I have some tofu, I'm excited to experiment with it. To report back soon!


I made gingersnaps yesterday (97 of them!) this was the recipe. I baked them for about 8.5 minutes, They came out thin, flat and chewy. Just how I like them! Somehow they weren't as tasty fresh out of the oven but the next day they were super tasty. Very ginger-y. I wish I had some peach sauce and vanilla ice cream to accompany them!

Cheap food

The cost of food has been going down since the start of the industrial age. Please look at the increasing cost of medical care. See anything fishy? They are pretty much inverse. As the price of food went down, and cheaper calories from added-value foods were made more readily available people began consuming more and more... crap.

This is the topic I am obsessed with: food access, local food economies, food availability, changing the subsidy structure of the US.

A tasty dinner

What a tasty dinner.

Double cooked brussel sprouts ($3 for the whole thing, eating about 1/3 of the package)
roasted red pepper and tomato soup ($1.50, eating half of it)
sourdough grilled cheese ($3.75 loaf of bread, eating 2 thick-ish slices and a bit of cheese off a 2# block of Cabot Seriously Sharp. Cost... 8.99/lb)

Halve brussel sprouts then steam. Make grilled cheese sandwich using, remove when done and sautee brussel sprouts in pan (using a little extra fat. Olive oil or butter, I used butter this time but usually use olive oil). Heat up soup. Sprinkle with salt and pepper as desired. Serve. Dip sandwich in soup. Smile at your tasty meal :)

Man oh man. I love brussel sprouts cooked this way. Steaming makes them soft, sauteeing gives the the little burn-y spots that taste so good.


I should not have bought the mint M&Ms... sooo good,