Blogging again, but elsewhere!

I have started a new blog - it will have a similar topic however I've begun eating Paleo so my recipes will be focusing on that!

Back to the NW for the Future

A good find

I found this little dude looking up at me on the sidewalk today after work. He was laying on the cement next to packed and trampled snow. Fallen from the hand of his previous owner and picked up by me on a day when a little gift went a long way to improving my mood.
Today was a good day.

Planning your meals and not wasting food

Design*sponge grocery planner

Bon Appetite 7 habits of highly effective grocery shoppers

I'm getting ready to head to Brooklyn, I have a bit of food that I brought from Ithaca but really I want to start over. I want all new spices except for the newest spices I have. I have some flour and basics, but really I just want to treat it like I'm living in Italy again. Buy food, cook it. Buy food, cook it. make left overs, have some pasta. Buy food, cook it.

I will be much more active in this job than my past jobs, so I need to account for that when bringing lunch. I also will be working in areas that will most likely not have salad bars and delis with tasty sandwiches... so I really need to make sure I bring hearty foods that keep me going. I'm a little concerned about getting bored (food wise). I may end up getting a microwave for th job site if there isn't one there, so I can eat warm food. I'll try the food thermos again but it doesn't stay HOT it ends up being just warm. Cheap foods are beans and rice... together they create a complete protein... cheaper than meat! Salads will be good too. I will be packing lunch everyday, dinner 2 days a week and a snack everyday. I'd like to go to some yoga classes, trying out different studios. With my classes 2 days a week it doesn't make sense to get an unlimited pass for any yoga studio because there are at least 2 days a week I won't be able to go. For now I'm going to try to stick to a few classes a week.

My new job starts Monday, and I have class that night. We are being fed lunch on Monday which means I don't have to figure out lunch until Tuesday. It's hard to plan a meal when I don't know when I'm moving in (Sunday night, tomorrow, hopefully). And I have nothing in the fridge :P

Cheers to a new job, moving forward and personal growth. May this be the best year yet.

I can still keep the nickname... even if the person who gave it to me isn't around anymore

Smyles
:-);-):-D:-p:-x:-)):->:-/:-/:-(:-O:-x
I'm gonna own it.
(all images from imgur.com)

Getting ready

I'm getting geared up to start my new job (Monday morning!). Half of my stuff is loaded in my car, tomorrow I put the other half of things in my car. Hopefully I can move in Sunday, but there is not guarantee. What's up with the first of the month being on a Monday? I feel like renting should be from the first to last weekend of the month, it would be so much more convenient for moving. I've been looking up lots of articles and storing them on my computer because I won't have internet in my new place. Tonight the focus of my research is on food, especially food without an oven. My new place has a fridge, microwave, and double electric hotplate.

How to Eat Your Trash

How to Eat Less Meat

Pastas and their appropriate sauce applications Nice photos of pastas :)


Recipes that don't require an oven
Icebox Cake, I won't be able to make cookies (though I will be able to make cookie dough!)

Um, I'll find more later

You know what's free but painful?

Letting go.

Suffering is like street meat. After enough of it you realize it sucks and you should just let it go, even though it smells good... The analogy worked better in my head.

Pain is inevitable, bad things happen, tough times happen, but holding onto a certain view of something doesn't make it go away. It makes suffering happen. It is painful. Like holding onto a rope that is sliding up, the only way to not feel the pain of rope burn is to let go of the rope. I have been suffering these 2 months because I cannot let go of this view/understanding I had of the world. Trust me, I have been working on it. But today, to receive a casual forwarded link from him, it felt like salt on the wound. How can your first contact with someone who's heart you broke be so casual and nonchalant? I have to fight harder to let go. Fight harder to remember that everything is happening perfectly, that the universe wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, that I will get through this... that I am getting through this... that I have so much to be grateful for and so much ahead of me. I cannot let this hurdle continuously trip me from my future... whatever that may be.

I am filling my calendar up with classes and work starting next Monday (life of a pauper by choice... food stamps, not enough to live on in NYC, but a great learning experience and opportunity). I can only hope (nay, wonder) what windows this door will lead to. 3 months ago I wouldn't have seen this all happening, yet here I am. And making the best of it. I've been told I'm brave... I have been reading the Pema Chondron Collection my mom lent me and it has been very helpful. I haven't had a steady enough mind to mediate today, but reading and thinking about it helped immensely. She said that her husband early in her marriage told her she was the bravest person he knew because she was the biggest coward but went ahead and did what she was afraid of anyway. That's where I feel I am. I don't know what the future will bring. I had my first graphic design class today and I loved it. I was riveted. I don't know where my career is headed. I feel like I'm interested in too many things to pick one. How can I combine all aspects of design? I don't think of myself as brave because I'm scared and nervous. But I am still changing my life, even without him. Perhaps because of him. I don't know what the future will bring. I used to always have a plan and now... I know where I'll be working til Dec, I know where I'll be living and taking classes til April. Next January I have no idea what my career plans will be, where I will be going or what I will be doing. It would be liberating if it wasn't so frightening. Hopefully in these next 1 months I'll learn to face that fear. To be at peace with it and be aware of what's going on around me so I can hop through any open windows or doors of opportunity that my choices may offer me in the next 11 months.

On a slightly different note. If you live in NYC and are looking for a way to spend your day for little money and maximum relaxation... Spa Castle, on a weekday, $35 for 3 levels of pools, hot tubs, jets and saunas is pretty freaking amazing. I also got a chair massage of my back for $15/10 min (the most affordable massage option). They have other services like manis and pedis, hot stone massage and waxing... less of a fun filled cheap day though to include those. I went there with a group of girls on Friday and it was totally awesome. We were there from 1pm til about 8pm. On the weekends it's busier and $10 more, so less enticing. 6 days til I start working my below-minimum wage job. These next 11 months are going to be interesting...

New job!

I have accepted an Americorps position with Habitat for Humanity! I'll really have to be thrifty... it pays about $840 a month (that's after taxes), with a unlimited metrocard and a $200 rent voucher a month. In New York City... this is gonna be a bitch! I'll be able to get food stamps, which will help. I should have plenty to blog about, from the internet cafe near my place because I won't have internet. I won't be able to save any money, but at least I'll be able to bring in some money, rather than living 100% off loans. My student loans will be on deferment and I will get a stipend at the end of my 1700 hours of service toward tuition or loans. I made sure I'll be able to take a few days off to go to my brother's wedding, yay! There will be a couple trips, one to Iowa in June and another somewhere in the Fall. My best friend is doing the same job (she's been there several months already)- but I don't think we'll be working at the same site, at least not often.

The position will be a construction site leader. Teaching volunteers how to do the work, delegating, quality control... all things I was doing at Yestermorrow without being asked. This time it's actually my responsibility :) I'll be taking Introduction to Construction Project Management as well as Introduction to Graphic Design in the evenings, and hopefully going to some insight meditation group sittings. This set period of having a job/responsibility will be nice to structure my life a bit while I try to figure out what to do next!

Time + Skill - money = sewing projects!

Something I've been wanting to do for a long time is renew my wardrobe, to be more professional (dress for the job you want, not the job you have). If I stuck to my current wardrobe I'd look, well, unemployed. I am taking 2 classes this semester in NYC, Introduction to Graphic Design and Introduction to Construction Project Management. These classes are at two different schools, evening classes so I'll have my days to prep for the great job hunt, nay, the great career hunt of 2010. I already own a lot of fabrics and I will have a lot of time while looking for a job/ prepping for the job hunt/ taking classes to see if I want to shift gears in my career. So with all this time, and the know how of sewing (and hopefully I'll be learning more, especially about fit and making my own patterns, hello library), I am going to make my own wardrobe. For someone who is fully employed, it is way cheaper to buy clothes at the store, when they go on sale ($30 cashmere at the factory outlet store this weekend, cha-ching!)

I have already gone through most of my clothes, I have a big pile of clothes to sell for cash/ donate to charity. I still have to go through my dressy clothes. Some of these pants just aren't meant for me. I also have a box of shoes to go through. Owning cute shoes doesn't make sense if you don't wear them. Time to purge the closet/boxes!

I've been shopping looking for certain things and another problem I have is that I never seem to like anything. Clothing these days is either cut too low (pants), or not long enough (shirts), has lots of crazy crap on it (ruffles? big ass flowers? No thank you.). I like clean lines, elegant silhouettes. Do you see much of this in my wardrobe? No, because the only clothes I am aware of that have those, are designer duds, which I cannot afford, and even if I could, would rather spend my money on quality food or travel or that home down payment I'm going to start saving for... as soon as I'm employed. I promise.

Images to follow when I get moved into my new place and get started on the... great re-wardrobing of 2010!

Lessons in Beautiful

The media is evil. It preys on our insecurities, telling us we are too fat, we eat all the wrong things, our skin looks terrible, and our clothes are sooo last season. I realize it's a new year and slightly cliche to be working on creating a new me, but so many things have changed in my life in the last month that the best way I can deal with it, is to reevaluate myself and start over. Keeping what I like from before and improving what I can.

May I accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

I have the power to change my mind and my body. I can meditate to work on clearing my mind, being more aware of myself and living in the present as well as figuring out what I want. I can reduce clutter both mental and physical. Meditation will help clear my mind, I need to practice daily (like learning the piano). All my stuff is currently in my mom's garage (or in my car). Moving is such a harsh reminder of how much stuff I own. It is also a reminder of how much stuff I own that I never use, or is worn out. To respect yourself is to take care of your appearance. It doesn't have to come from the media, it doesn't have to be expensive and it shouldn't be for anyone but yourself. It's funny how it is possible to get so focused on something in the future that you forget the present. Reading about meditation, trying to practice it, and reading articles in yoga journals, have been helping me a lot to realize that life is now. Life is how we will be in 2 years, life is not going to happen when you get through something. I spend a lot of time thinking 'After I get through this things will be better.' It's a toxic way to think. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional - it stems from attachment. Attachment to thinking I can control anything other than myself. I cannot change the weather, I cannot change other people, I cannot change what happens to me or to other people. I can only change or control my response to what happens to and around me.

Tonight I will be hitting up my first yoga class (in a long time and with new inspiration for doing it). I will chronicle my yoga/meditation/beautification/wardrobe updating experience here as well. It may seem that I share too much at times, but I have never really understood keeping things to yourself because we are all human and go through experience and how do people learn? By sharing experiences. In tough times especially is when the heart can heal with the help of words of others' experiences (I love you mom!)

May I accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

Wardrobe

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain

It is time to update my wardrobe. All of my jeans have patches, so I bought a couple new pairs of jeans from Express, now I own 2 pairs of jeans without holes. I recently bought 2 new black sweaters, one cozy with a big neck and the second with a deep V-neck, very sexy. Both look great with the black jeans. I need more pants, especially warm ones. I'm thinking wool, with pockets with flaps on the back. I also could use some new shirts... shirts is where I get stuck. As a busty lady I am very particular about tops and they need to have few details on top, nothing to attract attention to the chest. I also need new flats... my black ballet flat shoes are totally busted. I only realized when I went to wear them to a wedding in October. My winter coat is also busted, but I'm not ready to replace that one yet... holes in the sleeves is not enough to get me to buy a new $300 coat... I did get many years of use out of it, but it still has more life in it! I just need to mix it up. I will follow up later with more wardrobe updates on a budget. Not like an article I saw on spending and saving in NYC where a girl thought it okay to drop $225 on 2 Hermes scarves... that is not $avy. I also tend to lean more towards classic dress, as opposed to trendy items. I look forward to shopping, with a budget, to create a new professional wardrobe for my upcoming period of career exploration. I also got a hair cut when I was in Oregon, I now have... Bangs! I have hair that requests I wear it down and put product in it...

I'm very excited about my new wardrobe. It will take some time to build up, but I will attempt to document it as best I can. Specifically with a classic leaning... I don't do 'trendy', I do classic, mostly black, dark denim... still working on good tops though.

2010, you are most welcome

It's a new year, a clean slate. I'm taking a sabatical for the next few months. Moving back to NYC, taking classes, looking for work, making a personal website, staying with friends, seeing old friends, meeting new people, experimenting with food, and trying to live on a smaller budget.

My stuff is packed, I'm leaving my apartment tomorrow (though I may have to come back to take out the trash and recycling :P ). I'm headed into the unknown. Tomorrow I have a pile of books to sell. When I get to my mom's house I want to go through all my stuff (this was the only time she had to help me move, so I didn't have time to sort it before moving it.) I want to reduce my clutter. Reduce my possessions that make it hard to move around. I don't know where I will be going next, I might be applying for school in Sweden, or working architecture in Colorado (or other random state), or living in Brooklyn. As far as 2010 this is what I know
- my brother is getting married, and I will be there
- I want to meditate, do yoga and run
- I want to explore the field of architecture and get more experience and figure out what part I want in it (via classes, informational interviews, apply for school, do certificates, get an internship- do what it takes to figure out what I want my career to be)

I was inspired by the film 'Coco Before Chanel' to take a pattern making class so I get more out of my love of sewing, hopefully there is a spot left. I'm also interested in furniture design, graphic design as well as green architecture. Much to explore. I also plan to get this blog back on track... food!

Tonight we went to North Star on Fall Street in Ithaca, NY. It was fantastic! Large portions, tasty local food, good conversation. The service was a little slow, which makes my only warning: don't go here if you are with someone you can't make conversation with!

Time to chill a bit and lay down, my back is sore from a day spent packing and lifting and descending stairs. I am excited/scared/nervous about why lies ahead, which made it difficult to pack.

Travel bug, links to some lists, and the future... silver lining

I had the itch of the travel bug. I still do. Reality, however, has settled in. I cannot travel. I have debts. A cell phone contract, an apartment lease to still get out of. I've had lots of time to think about all the different options that lay head and it would seem. All signs point to New York. I have been back in Portland and feel like I could live here, I love all the neighborhoods. I could afford a house. But I'm not ready to buy a house. I'm not ready to buy a house though. So moving somewhere because I could eventually afford a house there... isn't really the best reason to move somewhere. Maybe someday, meanwhile I can remember that I want to buy property eventually and actual deal with money like that is what I'm planning... someday, down the line, somewhere.
So, along with trying to live in the present I have made some goals for myself and some plans for when I get back to New York. I am going to trust that everything happens for a reason and I am going to trust that everything is happening perfectly. I'm going back to New York and things will work out however they are meant to.

10 tips for fearless living

10 ways to fill up on happiness

9 ways to find peace of mind

Another thing that helps me feel better is to watch How I Met Your Mother. A show where people fall in love and then break up and things get better, and they have careers they are passionate about, and life happens and it's hilarious! And who doesn't love Neil Patrick Harris!

I'm looking forward to blogging about moving (back) to New York City. Seeking out ways to save money, meet new people, explore things I'm interested in, see old friends, make new friends, learning Spanish, reading more books, surfing the internet less, learning to cook more things, learning about beer, explore my career and experiment in living in the now (running, meditation, creativity).

Travel plans + traveling solo

10 Things to Learn about Yourself When Traveling Alone

I have also been researching some Spanish immersion programs in Latin America. I found flights, round trip, for $400 to $600 and a place in Honduras that's $800 for a month. I have also been reading about the Peace Corps (probably not for me), and contemplating all the possibilities and what responsibilities I have here that I would have to deal with (get out of cell phone contract, rent out apartment, etc.)

I got to go snowboarding today for the first time this season, I rented a helmet (at a mere $3/day) and it gave me the confidence to try linking my turns more and it was, in my opinion, one of my most successful days! I am now looking into where I can go for cheap in the NE when I get back... and hopefully I can get some friends to come along as well!

I'm not sure what will be happening in the next few months... let alone the next one month. I thought I knew what I wanted, then it changed some when I met him and now I don't know what I want. As many friends suggested, it's the perfect time to travel. I'm not really ready to commit to any specific career. I'm in a time of exploring. And that's ok. I am where I need to be. And everything is going to work out. Things happen for a reason.

The world is my oyster

What to do, what to do?

exploring my options, heading back to NY in a few days, going to pack up, sell some books, get rid of some possessions, finally get back my bottle deposits, etc. Move everything to my mom's house, go to NYC, sign up for some spring classes (hopefully hear back about the one job I have a chance of hearing back from with Habitat for Humanity) then figuring out what to do next. Travel to Latin America and learn Spanish? Go work on organic and farm in Italy or Greece in April? Road trip around the US visiting family? Apply to the Yestermorrow of Costa Rica for their internship?

My mom introduced me to insight meditation over Xmas and it has really been helping and I'm excited about living more in the present. I'm a very driven person and have always looked at the future and not really enjoyed the present. I'm excited about running, meditating, hopefully boxing and shooting again, exploring new neighborhoods in NYC, exploring the wonderful world of architecture in school and through informational interviews - to see where I fit into the scheme of things, and taking a step back from the career path I've been on for so long- to reassess and figure out what I really want.

I'm seriously considering a trip to Latin America. For $500 I can fly there, for $800 I can learn Spanish, get 3 meals a day and stay with a family in Honduras for a month. Immersion is the best way to learn, and that's way less than I spend on rent in NY. Hmmm, might have to wait until April... or even Jan 2011 if I get the Habitat job. So many possibilities!

The world is my oyster. I was handed lemons and now I am going to explore many varieties of lemonade, before I decide which kind to make.

So much to think about

I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I applied for a job with Habitat for Humanity that I really hope I get, which would give me time to be working and thinking about what I will do next. But I don't want to count my chicks before they hatch so I am researching school programs, Masters, Certificates, etc. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for. I really enjoyed the Green Remodeling course I took this summer at Yestermorrow. It made a lot of sense to me about building science.

I'm trying to figure out why I veered off towards Landscape Architecture... it made so much sense to me when I did it, but I was originally going to apply to Sustainable Architecture programs and I am ironically finding myself there again. Either Sustainable architecture or construction management. It's only been two weeks since I made the decision to leave Cornell, and had my heart broken, and trying to figure out what to do, where to go, especially in this economy, is exhausting. And I don't know how to turn my brain off and just deal with it later and enjoy where I'm at which is on vacation.

And none of this is cheap. To find a new person to take over my lease, pain in the butt in a city that is not NYC. To move all my stuff. I should just sell a bunch of my stuff. I have so many books, I don't even reference them all that often. I have a lot of arts/crafts/sewing supplies, those add up. I need to simplify my material possessions. I need to find a place to live where I can cook, and have people over to cook with. (Or maybe just go to friends' homes and cook for them...) I need to get my priorities back in line. Me, me, me, me. Career, school, home, food, exercise. I want to start running again. There's a half-marathon in NYC at the end of April. It is hard to apply for jobs when I don't have an address. I want a social life again. I am sort of beginning to understand what happened in the last few months with me, but now I need to figure out how to make things better.

I won't even be back in Ithaca for 2 more weeks, crazy! So much time. So much to do (I didn't pack a thing, and I will return with a day and a half to pack!) Hopefully sell some books, take my bottles back for deposit, etc. Pack my car with the things I want to have access too... probably drive to NYC in Jan, so I can drive to Ithaca if I need to... probably wait until A is back from Mexico to go back up...

Back to tv and school research and coffee with S soon in Eugene. Remember self. You are on vacation!

Portland is a foodie town

And I finally started to look into it. Last time I was in Portland with KE I really wanted to go out to a meal at one of Portland's well known foodie places but money was an issue so we didn't explore the food offerings. But now... I used my Xmas money that was supposed to be for our new years plans and I went out for dinner with my friend L and her new beau at Toro Bravo in NE Portland.

I had a few glasses of a tasty Rioja-- Bold and smooth. I forgot how much I like red wine, it had been so long! Why I do not know! Then I had a bacon wrapped date with an almond in the middle. I didn't care for the almond in the middle, but the date and bacon made a fantastic pair! I'm glad the waitress told us that there were almonds in the middle or I would have thought I bit into the pit! I shared some of L's salad that was quite tasty, as well as a squash ravioli thingy that was tasty with a little spice. I ended my meal with a flatbread with black truffle cheese and arugula. Oh my, that was good. I love cheese with the bitter bite of arugula. I wish I'd had that earlier in the meal. We were all too full to get a dessert but it was a delicious meal. I'm sure if I had less to drink and hadn't spent all the dinner time in catch up mode with L that my restaurant review would be much more interesting and wordy :P

It's about time to go to sleep... one of the benefits of drinking wine. Mmmm wine.

Oregon, shopping and eating

It's so nice to be back in Portland. I still don't see myself moving back here, despite recurring 'where should I live' tests telling me Portland is the place for me. The economy. I don't have a network of friends here... I have a line of friends (2 people) and some family. Maybe when I fall out of love with New York City but, I'm just not ready to give up on NYC!

I have eaten more today than I have any day in the last week and a half, so that's probably good. I'm feeling inspired to start running. I want to find a race in NYC to start training for and, more importantly, find some people to start training with!

I did a bit of shopping today too, got some new skinny jeans, a sexy V-neck sweater, some white ballerina flats, and a couple black tanktops. I like black and dark clothes. Which is fine except my dad's two awesomest cats ever (Xena and Xerxes- who jump up on your lap when you pat it, come when you call them, and Xerxes curls up with me under the covers) are white Siamese cats. Black clothing's worst enemy!!

I also did some book shopping today. I picked up a couple books as gifts for my brother and his fiancee I think they are going to enjoy. I got a couple cover letter and resume writing books (and promptly applied for a Habitat for Humanity position- fingers crossed!!!!!!!) and a book recommended to me by my neighbor in Ithaca called The Beauty Myth. I'm looking forward to reading it but for now, I'm ending my night watching Funny People.

Interesting and thought provoking articles

Singles: Patterns of Pursuit Psychology Today

Sexual Energy and the Single Woman Psychology Today

The Art of Now Psychology Today

Travel to Create Your Self Psychology Today

I like this magazine :)

heading home-ish

I'm so glad I'm heading back to Oregon, I actually extended my stay so that I wouldn't be alone over New Years Eve (I'd had plans with KE). I'm freaking out about money because I haven't found someone to take over my apartment yet, so my next best bet is someone to take over in Feb, but this isn't the city- there aren't as many people constantly moving.

I'm trying to keep myself pumped about the benefits of being single now. I'm sad that this man who was so important to me won't be in my life anymore, but it work me up to the fact that I had made him such a priority and lost myself a bit. So now I am trying to find myself again. After my trip to Oregon, I'll come back and move my stuff to my mom's and then I don't know what. I might stay with her for a bit and drive back up to show the apartment, I might head straight to the city, I might do something else. Going back to NYC is my first instinct because that was home for the last 8 years. But the economy isn't great there for my field, but it isn't great anywhere. I took an online quiz again to see where I should live at findyourspot.com and Portland came up first, again. New York didn't actually show up on my list, I think because I checked the box for medium cities so mostly that's what I got. Providence was on the list as well and I like Providence but the unemployment rate there is really high, and that's where KE is from, so I don't see that happening. Albuquerque, NM was second on the list, but I'm not really into the SE... I'm a Yankee :P

Being single means I can focus on myself, rediscover the things that I like, go out and meet new people, things that I have done in the past and enjoyed when I was doing them before I met KE. There was life before him, there will be life after him. I'm so glad I'm going home to spend time with family. I'm a planner and generally make along term plan but at this point I don't have one. This is new territory for me. I'm also dealing with some personal stuff and may start to see a counselor after the holidays before I make any decisions about where to go or what to do. I've been following this path since like 8th grade when I decided my career path. I have always been driven in my career, but I have derived so much of my happiness from my work and I need more.

If this isn't a quarter-life crisis, I don't know what is. These decisions aren't cheap, but figuring out myself and following my dreams and trying to be happy... are things worth splurging on. It is, after all, just money. (Hopefully I feel this way when I'm job hunting for months.) I just have to remind myself that this is a phase. I will find a new job, I will figure out my path, I will learn to enjoy the journey and take pressure off the destination, and eventually I will find a man who wants to share the journey together.

I have been exploring working abroad, Outward Bound courses, entry level jobs in NY, taking a road trip, sustainable jobs, reading up on the economy, career path options, selling my car, finding a new tenant, exercises in personal exploration and positive thinking. Oh and trying not to plan.

Making lemonade, finding the silver lining in a broken heart

I just drew this trying to do some art therapy for myself...

Moving away from learning to be cheap my recent decisions will not be cheap at all... except hopefully in the long run. Last weekend KE and I broke up. I spent a lot of time thinking and talking to my mom and I was telling her how I was not happy at school. I have been less and less passionate about my career path. After my summer at Yestermorrow I went straight into school without time to process how the experience changed me. In part because I don't feel solid in my program and in part because I wanted to be closer to KE I said I wanted to move back to the city. KE decided that he needs to focus on his career fully which means no time for me. I am devastated, dropping weight like crazy for lack of appetite and still planning to move back to the city.

I emailed everyone I know, I have a couple friends I can stay with while I look for a sublet apartment and a new job. I believe that KE and I will be friends but I need to really take a break in order to be ready for that. I still want him to be a part of my life, he was my rock for the last 6 months when I went through a lot of change. Now I need to be my own rock and face change again. Luckily I have many great friends and very supportive family. I have already had offers of places to crash all over the country. I am taking this opportunity to really reevaluate my own career goals. I lost sight of my goals because I had KE and he became my goal. I had my eggs in many baskets and then suddenly I had one basket and it was him and he wasn't ready for it. This has been easier than the last break up, I have grown a lot and I am both dreading and looking forward to even more personal growth to come in the months ahead.

For this move I will be traveling light. I will put all my things in storage near my mom's house, and coordinate my move with her move (again!) so that we only rent one truck. This way we can also help each other move. I will keep my car at her house in DE and come up to NY with what I can carry in a backpack and a duffel bag. I have already contacted friends and gotten a couple offers of places to stay while I look for a sublet, which is near impossible when outside the city. I am going to push this time of change for myself and try to move to an area that is outside my comfort zone. I lived in the Pratt area for 8 years and it is what I know. I am going to try living in Manhattan. Even if that means more money and less space. I am also going to do what I was doing in my last between relationship time: self improvement. I want to say yes to going out. I want to be more involved. If I am living in a small apartment I will go out. If I start out with just a few months sublet I can see how this new approach works for me.

I will also be job hunting. Part of why I am leaving this prestigious school is the cost of the school and the benefits I will gain that require the degree I'm working towards just don't add up. After my summer on a construction site, where I was working with my hands, and I loved it. I have learned through my limited work experience I need an office that keeps me busy, especially with a variety of tasks or else I tend to get bored. I like working with my hands, I always have. In my free time I sew and bake and do crafty things- like a card cut out of paint chips with an exacto knife. Precision and detailed work. In architecture school I was well known for my detailed models and love of tweezers for assembling them. I need to do something using my hands. If I can't do it for my main career at least I can find a job where I am on a construction site, and over see schedules, planning and coordination. These are things I do in my spare time for myself. Right now, however, my plan extends until Feb. Move to NY, find a job. In December I will be reading a couple books to help me think about the kinds of jobs I want to apply for and to work on my cover letter writing skills. This trip to Oregon couldn't come at a better time. Xmas with family at the beach house will be comforting. Although the wedding weekend that I'm about to head into might be a little rough. Friday bachelorette party, Saturday bridal shower, Sunday wedding. But if I remind myself that I'm not ready, but like the last breakup, I want to do new things, get a hair cut, dress up, make myself feel attractive. Perhaps a ladies night out is just what I need.

This has been an exhausting week, and it hasn't even been a full week yet. I had to come home and de-KE my apartment, I have gifts for him for Xmas that are now sitting in a box making me sad. I understand his reasons for not being able to focus on a relationship but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope that he figures out what he wants just as I hope that I figure out what I want.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But don't just make regular lemonade. Think about how you can make better lemonade. What can you do to improve your lemonade? I am working on improving myself so that my next relationship will be even better because I will be stronger and remember keep my eggs in more than one basket.

Sigh. I'm looking forward to going back to the city in part to go to museums, maybe practice some more drawing, that was one of my favorite things in Rome was all the drawings we did. I need to get out more and being in school does not lead to me getting out more, it leads to me retreating into my hermit shell, having KE made that feel like it was ok but it really wasn't.

Time for yet another cup of tea.