heading home-ish

I'm so glad I'm heading back to Oregon, I actually extended my stay so that I wouldn't be alone over New Years Eve (I'd had plans with KE). I'm freaking out about money because I haven't found someone to take over my apartment yet, so my next best bet is someone to take over in Feb, but this isn't the city- there aren't as many people constantly moving.

I'm trying to keep myself pumped about the benefits of being single now. I'm sad that this man who was so important to me won't be in my life anymore, but it work me up to the fact that I had made him such a priority and lost myself a bit. So now I am trying to find myself again. After my trip to Oregon, I'll come back and move my stuff to my mom's and then I don't know what. I might stay with her for a bit and drive back up to show the apartment, I might head straight to the city, I might do something else. Going back to NYC is my first instinct because that was home for the last 8 years. But the economy isn't great there for my field, but it isn't great anywhere. I took an online quiz again to see where I should live at findyourspot.com and Portland came up first, again. New York didn't actually show up on my list, I think because I checked the box for medium cities so mostly that's what I got. Providence was on the list as well and I like Providence but the unemployment rate there is really high, and that's where KE is from, so I don't see that happening. Albuquerque, NM was second on the list, but I'm not really into the SE... I'm a Yankee :P

Being single means I can focus on myself, rediscover the things that I like, go out and meet new people, things that I have done in the past and enjoyed when I was doing them before I met KE. There was life before him, there will be life after him. I'm so glad I'm going home to spend time with family. I'm a planner and generally make along term plan but at this point I don't have one. This is new territory for me. I'm also dealing with some personal stuff and may start to see a counselor after the holidays before I make any decisions about where to go or what to do. I've been following this path since like 8th grade when I decided my career path. I have always been driven in my career, but I have derived so much of my happiness from my work and I need more.

If this isn't a quarter-life crisis, I don't know what is. These decisions aren't cheap, but figuring out myself and following my dreams and trying to be happy... are things worth splurging on. It is, after all, just money. (Hopefully I feel this way when I'm job hunting for months.) I just have to remind myself that this is a phase. I will find a new job, I will figure out my path, I will learn to enjoy the journey and take pressure off the destination, and eventually I will find a man who wants to share the journey together.

I have been exploring working abroad, Outward Bound courses, entry level jobs in NY, taking a road trip, sustainable jobs, reading up on the economy, career path options, selling my car, finding a new tenant, exercises in personal exploration and positive thinking. Oh and trying not to plan.