You know what's free but painful?

Letting go.

Suffering is like street meat. After enough of it you realize it sucks and you should just let it go, even though it smells good... The analogy worked better in my head.

Pain is inevitable, bad things happen, tough times happen, but holding onto a certain view of something doesn't make it go away. It makes suffering happen. It is painful. Like holding onto a rope that is sliding up, the only way to not feel the pain of rope burn is to let go of the rope. I have been suffering these 2 months because I cannot let go of this view/understanding I had of the world. Trust me, I have been working on it. But today, to receive a casual forwarded link from him, it felt like salt on the wound. How can your first contact with someone who's heart you broke be so casual and nonchalant? I have to fight harder to let go. Fight harder to remember that everything is happening perfectly, that the universe wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, that I will get through this... that I am getting through this... that I have so much to be grateful for and so much ahead of me. I cannot let this hurdle continuously trip me from my future... whatever that may be.

I am filling my calendar up with classes and work starting next Monday (life of a pauper by choice... food stamps, not enough to live on in NYC, but a great learning experience and opportunity). I can only hope (nay, wonder) what windows this door will lead to. 3 months ago I wouldn't have seen this all happening, yet here I am. And making the best of it. I've been told I'm brave... I have been reading the Pema Chondron Collection my mom lent me and it has been very helpful. I haven't had a steady enough mind to mediate today, but reading and thinking about it helped immensely. She said that her husband early in her marriage told her she was the bravest person he knew because she was the biggest coward but went ahead and did what she was afraid of anyway. That's where I feel I am. I don't know what the future will bring. I had my first graphic design class today and I loved it. I was riveted. I don't know where my career is headed. I feel like I'm interested in too many things to pick one. How can I combine all aspects of design? I don't think of myself as brave because I'm scared and nervous. But I am still changing my life, even without him. Perhaps because of him. I don't know what the future will bring. I used to always have a plan and now... I know where I'll be working til Dec, I know where I'll be living and taking classes til April. Next January I have no idea what my career plans will be, where I will be going or what I will be doing. It would be liberating if it wasn't so frightening. Hopefully in these next 1 months I'll learn to face that fear. To be at peace with it and be aware of what's going on around me so I can hop through any open windows or doors of opportunity that my choices may offer me in the next 11 months.

On a slightly different note. If you live in NYC and are looking for a way to spend your day for little money and maximum relaxation... Spa Castle, on a weekday, $35 for 3 levels of pools, hot tubs, jets and saunas is pretty freaking amazing. I also got a chair massage of my back for $15/10 min (the most affordable massage option). They have other services like manis and pedis, hot stone massage and waxing... less of a fun filled cheap day though to include those. I went there with a group of girls on Friday and it was totally awesome. We were there from 1pm til about 8pm. On the weekends it's busier and $10 more, so less enticing. 6 days til I start working my below-minimum wage job. These next 11 months are going to be interesting...

Lessons in Beautiful

The media is evil. It preys on our insecurities, telling us we are too fat, we eat all the wrong things, our skin looks terrible, and our clothes are sooo last season. I realize it's a new year and slightly cliche to be working on creating a new me, but so many things have changed in my life in the last month that the best way I can deal with it, is to reevaluate myself and start over. Keeping what I like from before and improving what I can.

May I accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

I have the power to change my mind and my body. I can meditate to work on clearing my mind, being more aware of myself and living in the present as well as figuring out what I want. I can reduce clutter both mental and physical. Meditation will help clear my mind, I need to practice daily (like learning the piano). All my stuff is currently in my mom's garage (or in my car). Moving is such a harsh reminder of how much stuff I own. It is also a reminder of how much stuff I own that I never use, or is worn out. To respect yourself is to take care of your appearance. It doesn't have to come from the media, it doesn't have to be expensive and it shouldn't be for anyone but yourself. It's funny how it is possible to get so focused on something in the future that you forget the present. Reading about meditation, trying to practice it, and reading articles in yoga journals, have been helping me a lot to realize that life is now. Life is how we will be in 2 years, life is not going to happen when you get through something. I spend a lot of time thinking 'After I get through this things will be better.' It's a toxic way to think. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional - it stems from attachment. Attachment to thinking I can control anything other than myself. I cannot change the weather, I cannot change other people, I cannot change what happens to me or to other people. I can only change or control my response to what happens to and around me.

Tonight I will be hitting up my first yoga class (in a long time and with new inspiration for doing it). I will chronicle my yoga/meditation/beautification/wardrobe updating experience here as well. It may seem that I share too much at times, but I have never really understood keeping things to yourself because we are all human and go through experience and how do people learn? By sharing experiences. In tough times especially is when the heart can heal with the help of words of others' experiences (I love you mom!)

May I accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.