Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You know what's free but painful?

Letting go.

Suffering is like street meat. After enough of it you realize it sucks and you should just let it go, even though it smells good... The analogy worked better in my head.

Pain is inevitable, bad things happen, tough times happen, but holding onto a certain view of something doesn't make it go away. It makes suffering happen. It is painful. Like holding onto a rope that is sliding up, the only way to not feel the pain of rope burn is to let go of the rope. I have been suffering these 2 months because I cannot let go of this view/understanding I had of the world. Trust me, I have been working on it. But today, to receive a casual forwarded link from him, it felt like salt on the wound. How can your first contact with someone who's heart you broke be so casual and nonchalant? I have to fight harder to let go. Fight harder to remember that everything is happening perfectly, that the universe wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, that I will get through this... that I am getting through this... that I have so much to be grateful for and so much ahead of me. I cannot let this hurdle continuously trip me from my future... whatever that may be.

I am filling my calendar up with classes and work starting next Monday (life of a pauper by choice... food stamps, not enough to live on in NYC, but a great learning experience and opportunity). I can only hope (nay, wonder) what windows this door will lead to. 3 months ago I wouldn't have seen this all happening, yet here I am. And making the best of it. I've been told I'm brave... I have been reading the Pema Chondron Collection my mom lent me and it has been very helpful. I haven't had a steady enough mind to mediate today, but reading and thinking about it helped immensely. She said that her husband early in her marriage told her she was the bravest person he knew because she was the biggest coward but went ahead and did what she was afraid of anyway. That's where I feel I am. I don't know what the future will bring. I had my first graphic design class today and I loved it. I was riveted. I don't know where my career is headed. I feel like I'm interested in too many things to pick one. How can I combine all aspects of design? I don't think of myself as brave because I'm scared and nervous. But I am still changing my life, even without him. Perhaps because of him. I don't know what the future will bring. I used to always have a plan and now... I know where I'll be working til Dec, I know where I'll be living and taking classes til April. Next January I have no idea what my career plans will be, where I will be going or what I will be doing. It would be liberating if it wasn't so frightening. Hopefully in these next 1 months I'll learn to face that fear. To be at peace with it and be aware of what's going on around me so I can hop through any open windows or doors of opportunity that my choices may offer me in the next 11 months.

On a slightly different note. If you live in NYC and are looking for a way to spend your day for little money and maximum relaxation... Spa Castle, on a weekday, $35 for 3 levels of pools, hot tubs, jets and saunas is pretty freaking amazing. I also got a chair massage of my back for $15/10 min (the most affordable massage option). They have other services like manis and pedis, hot stone massage and waxing... less of a fun filled cheap day though to include those. I went there with a group of girls on Friday and it was totally awesome. We were there from 1pm til about 8pm. On the weekends it's busier and $10 more, so less enticing. 6 days til I start working my below-minimum wage job. These next 11 months are going to be interesting...

1 comment:

  1. You know that Beyonce song, Survivor? I suggest listening to it again and again and again... it gets me through tough times with the men.