Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Making lemonade, finding the silver lining in a broken heart

I just drew this trying to do some art therapy for myself...

Moving away from learning to be cheap my recent decisions will not be cheap at all... except hopefully in the long run. Last weekend KE and I broke up. I spent a lot of time thinking and talking to my mom and I was telling her how I was not happy at school. I have been less and less passionate about my career path. After my summer at Yestermorrow I went straight into school without time to process how the experience changed me. In part because I don't feel solid in my program and in part because I wanted to be closer to KE I said I wanted to move back to the city. KE decided that he needs to focus on his career fully which means no time for me. I am devastated, dropping weight like crazy for lack of appetite and still planning to move back to the city.

I emailed everyone I know, I have a couple friends I can stay with while I look for a sublet apartment and a new job. I believe that KE and I will be friends but I need to really take a break in order to be ready for that. I still want him to be a part of my life, he was my rock for the last 6 months when I went through a lot of change. Now I need to be my own rock and face change again. Luckily I have many great friends and very supportive family. I have already had offers of places to crash all over the country. I am taking this opportunity to really reevaluate my own career goals. I lost sight of my goals because I had KE and he became my goal. I had my eggs in many baskets and then suddenly I had one basket and it was him and he wasn't ready for it. This has been easier than the last break up, I have grown a lot and I am both dreading and looking forward to even more personal growth to come in the months ahead.

For this move I will be traveling light. I will put all my things in storage near my mom's house, and coordinate my move with her move (again!) so that we only rent one truck. This way we can also help each other move. I will keep my car at her house in DE and come up to NY with what I can carry in a backpack and a duffel bag. I have already contacted friends and gotten a couple offers of places to stay while I look for a sublet, which is near impossible when outside the city. I am going to push this time of change for myself and try to move to an area that is outside my comfort zone. I lived in the Pratt area for 8 years and it is what I know. I am going to try living in Manhattan. Even if that means more money and less space. I am also going to do what I was doing in my last between relationship time: self improvement. I want to say yes to going out. I want to be more involved. If I am living in a small apartment I will go out. If I start out with just a few months sublet I can see how this new approach works for me.

I will also be job hunting. Part of why I am leaving this prestigious school is the cost of the school and the benefits I will gain that require the degree I'm working towards just don't add up. After my summer on a construction site, where I was working with my hands, and I loved it. I have learned through my limited work experience I need an office that keeps me busy, especially with a variety of tasks or else I tend to get bored. I like working with my hands, I always have. In my free time I sew and bake and do crafty things- like a card cut out of paint chips with an exacto knife. Precision and detailed work. In architecture school I was well known for my detailed models and love of tweezers for assembling them. I need to do something using my hands. If I can't do it for my main career at least I can find a job where I am on a construction site, and over see schedules, planning and coordination. These are things I do in my spare time for myself. Right now, however, my plan extends until Feb. Move to NY, find a job. In December I will be reading a couple books to help me think about the kinds of jobs I want to apply for and to work on my cover letter writing skills. This trip to Oregon couldn't come at a better time. Xmas with family at the beach house will be comforting. Although the wedding weekend that I'm about to head into might be a little rough. Friday bachelorette party, Saturday bridal shower, Sunday wedding. But if I remind myself that I'm not ready, but like the last breakup, I want to do new things, get a hair cut, dress up, make myself feel attractive. Perhaps a ladies night out is just what I need.

This has been an exhausting week, and it hasn't even been a full week yet. I had to come home and de-KE my apartment, I have gifts for him for Xmas that are now sitting in a box making me sad. I understand his reasons for not being able to focus on a relationship but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope that he figures out what he wants just as I hope that I figure out what I want.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But don't just make regular lemonade. Think about how you can make better lemonade. What can you do to improve your lemonade? I am working on improving myself so that my next relationship will be even better because I will be stronger and remember keep my eggs in more than one basket.

Sigh. I'm looking forward to going back to the city in part to go to museums, maybe practice some more drawing, that was one of my favorite things in Rome was all the drawings we did. I need to get out more and being in school does not lead to me getting out more, it leads to me retreating into my hermit shell, having KE made that feel like it was ok but it really wasn't.

Time for yet another cup of tea.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry - that really sucks. I also went through a break up six months ago, and it's been really hard. Like, it's so painful, and it was so hard to conceive of myself as a seperate person again. But I think you're making good decisions by trusting your instincts about your program and what you want to do.

    I also did the "put all my eggs in one basket" thing. What has been helpful for me is to try to figure out why I did that - like, why did I feel so much better with a boyfriend? What does that say about how I feel about myself? It's been a good thing to think about and process.

    So hang in there. Six months later I feel so much better than I ever thought I would - healing really is possible.